it's spring break. i hung out with sean the other day. realized what i gave up. and i didn't like it. i went home and started to cry.
i feel like i am atelast 25. 25 years. 25 years old. not young, old. but i'm only seventeen. i want to settle down. i have tried the dating scene. the dating scene sucks. i miss sean...sean...**sigh**. we've become "friends" again. i saw him last night at handy's. well shep and i were driving and I go "isnt that sean?" rrrrr...pull in..."ummm...i need to get something to drink." hey, hi, see ya later, yeah you too, bye, bye.
mother says just when talking to him say "i hate that i broke up with you" if it was meant to work then that will work. sean reminds me of the past. but the good times that happened in the past. after i hung out with him thursday night i realized that i want the past back. i took so many precautions and burned all bridges between us that it might be impossible to mend. and then with his mom's finacee dying last year, i don't know if he wants to give it another try. he and jade split up awhile ago. why? i don't know. she lost something that is just great. but yet he has done something that he never did while we were dating.
sean started to smoke again. i remember that the first date we went on was relatively short notice but as we were driving to bartlesville, he asked me "do you mind if i smoke?" it was right then that i knew that he was the kindest guy that i would ever be dating. he quit while we were together. i remember he use to pick me up and we would start to talk and he would say before anythign else, he'd give me a kiss and say "i haven't smoked in four hours nad i brushed my teeth three times before coing over here. that way i wouldn't smell like it."
i miss that. but he has started to smoke again. and he's currently unemployed. well sorta. he's workign for robyn at bison bison for the past four two weeks.
maybe i could go riding around tonight and see him and flag him over and talk to him. maybe even try sometime during our conversation.
i read chris's diary. now he knows what i feel like everytime he talks about suicide. chris i think that you should just ask her to come back to you. i mean there is no real chance of anything. take the chance and ask her to come back to you. she might need that much. and i know its strange coming from me. but take one more chance and lend YOUR hand out there. maybe she'll grab ahold of it and never let go.
last night i was sitting in my bed watching 15 MINUTES and i was thinking. i am ready to settle down. i feel so old and so worn. i have only been on this planet for 17 years. i feel like atleast 25. i don't know. i am tired of the dating scene. i want stability. i feel like i want to be that soccer mom. i want to jump 10 years into the future. here's what i want to see:
"i have three kids, the arrive at home on the school bus. i am making supper before my husband gets home. hapy white picket fence type fo family."
and then there is the part that scares me. maybe in ten year this is what my life will look like:
"i step out of that room and into an empty apartment. i have a tv dinner for supper. go to bed, alone. wake up the next day and do it all over again."
there are two possibilities to that ten years down the road theory. i could be living the life that i want. or i could be single, depressed and eventually die. i want the first one.
right now i am staring at a banner that says :dodging traffic on the highway of life. i've been dodging traffic all my life. maybe its time that i try to get in one of those cars and drive that highway of life. i do not know.
there was this song that came on thursday night. we were all parked and i said "ready for the worst system of your life?" and i popped in my cassette and the following song played. i then realized that i was hanging with my ex, this song was "cued" up and i was playing it. but yet i do.
muah~
Becca*
I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick
"I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I'll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I'll get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
Feelin' all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin'.
Oh, didn't i, didn't i, didn't i see you cryin'?
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I'd love you to love me.
I'm beggin' you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me
