I have come to the realization that I am not happy. There is just so much that is bothering me that its not even funny.
::FRESHMAN YEAR:: My freshman year was one of the best. I dated some incredibly good looking guys, partied but never drank, hung out...laughed. There was always a smile on my face. There were three guys that I knew I could never have even if I dated them. One was JAC. He would "give his heart to you" but he never did. He would say "I love you" but never truly meant it. And I knew that. The other was Joe. He was like my best friend. Didn't know until after I moved that he wanted me just like I wanted him. Now there is no way that we could ever be together. We have too much stuff in our lives that is different and apart. The other was Chris. I dont know but I never even thought of trying with him. He was this "shy if he doesn't know you, fun if you did" type of guy that was in my art classes. Maybe it was my fault. Now I realize that the reason why I never opened up to a single :guy: in my life is because I dont want what happened to my father to happen to me. He's single and almost fourty, with a heart that has been shattered into a million pieces by my mother and my ex-step mom. But freshman year I was happy.
::SOPHOMORE:: My sophomore year I moved twice, first to Ohio. Depression moved in. I wasnt eating right. I lost myself in music. Yes there were times when my razor looked like an oppurtun option. Or the pain killers that were in my bathroom. Or the rope that was in my closet. I have even tried to sink to the bottom of the lake just to be lost that year. I moved to Oklahoma. I didnt fit in with the "in" crowd because I moved from a big city and dressed differently. Maddie took me under her wing to say. I dated twice that year, with two completely different guys. Sean was first. I fell in love with him. It was a brief relationship because I was afraid of my "feelings". Sean was the best thing to happen to me that whole year. He was the most kind, the most gentle person to ever be with me. I feel like I would date him again if he wanted to. Then I broke his heart. I am the "bitch that broke Sean's heart". I started to date Eric. Why? I have absolutely no clue. He was an ass, even to this day he is still an ass. I don't know why I found him attractive. Because when I last saw him, he wasnt even okay looking to me anymore. But I never got over him. He moved that summer to Arkansas. Never have gotten over him. But I would never ever date him again. That was the only thing productive in my life that year. And then the summer came. Mom won custody. I went dragging with Phil and Chris. I got drunk with Phil and Chris. I'm not allowed to talk to either of them after that night ever again. Grounded the rest of that summer. Prolly the smartest thing that could ever happen to me.
::JUNIOR:: My junior year wasnt as eventful. I was the "goody-goody" of our group. My nights were spent at home, or work. I didn't want to date anyone that year. Didn't even want to try. When April came along, Cory came into my life. We were friends, and of course the "becca" kicked in and we flirted. Not bad whatsoever. I wanted to date him. Almost got into it with his girlfriend at the time who decided she was bigger and better than me. Robyn came along. Now Robyn is someone that is everyone's friend atleast once until they do something to degrade her or themselves. She persuaded me to go to Falls Creek. That was in the beginning of May. Graduation came around. I worked as a usher. Then came the "party" out at Kimmy's land. Stuff happened that night that I wish never had. I can still taste it. I went to Falls Creek with Calvary Baptist. I found myself. That week was the best thing that could have ever happened to me that whole year. I was found. I came back. Found out that Nicole's boyfriend would never be again Nicole's boyfriend. And Cory and Howie were "talking". I prolly did the most stupid thing imaginable. I got with Cory the night that Howie and him started dating. I lost trust from a couple people that night. I didn't want Cory dating Howie. I thought maybe this would change it all. It didn't. I started to cry. I was so upset with myself that I didn't want to be around people. That summer was filled with church, laughing, dragging, Cory running away, and sadness.
::SENIOR:: So far my senior year has been...interesting. I started dating Ryan in September. He was the worst thing that has happened to me this year so far. I fooled around on Ryan with Danny. But Ryan and I were seperated but that didnt stop Ryan for taking it out on me. Mark came along. He is one of the coolest guys that I know. On Dec. 14th I told Ryan that I was going bowling with Mark, Ashley and Kori (a girl) on Saturday. He didn't like it. He told me not to go. I broke it off with him. I walked home.
